Paul's journal

Bad start to the week this morning. I was late to work because I lost my train ticket and could not find it anywhere. I had to buy another one, $10 down the drain and catch a much later train that usual.

But something lifted my mood a bit just before I got off the train. I noticed this gorgeous dark haired guy further along the train giving his blond not-as-gorgeous boyfriend a kiss goodbye before disembarking. Such a nice normal act but one I realised I've never seen before except between different sex partners.

You know how much I yearn to be half of a gay couple, and it's because of the little things like this that I feel I'm missing out on.

I was going to go shopping today at lunchtime and try to get a few of the new DVDs I wanted. Instead I went through with a plan I came up with last night and had lunch with the new guy. The crush is now pretty much over (I still think he's really cute but, you know, has a wife). I thought about going tonight but the family went out to celebrate my mum's birthday. I'll do my shopping tomorrow or over the weekend instead.

I am in dangerous crush territory. I am falling. It's been a while.



I've just seen a face,
I can't forget the time or place
That we'd just met, he's just the boy for me
And I want all the world to see we've met
Na na na na na na

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
But I had never been aware
And as it is I dream of him tonight
Na na na na na na

Falling, yes I am falling
And he keeps calling me back again

It was a very short day in the office today, but my eye was often drawn to the new guy. I kept trying to match him to the gaydar pictures I saw and there is a similarity but I'm not yet 100% sure that they are the same person.

The more I look at him thought the more I think he's gay but I wonder if that's my assumption colouring the view?

I also am thinking he's too attractive for me, but we could be friends. The idea of having a true peer in the workplace sounds really good.

I've already been mixing a bit more around the office trying to make a good impression in his peripheral vision and it has made me in more like I fit in than normal.

Although the official pack up day is tomorrow, we ended up doing a lot of the clearing of our desks this afternoon. I filled two boxes and now have a lot of little miscellaneous things left. The computers get switched off early tomorrow so it will be an easy day at work.

It's probably a good thing there wasn't that much work to do today. I was totally distracted by the new guy. I find him very attractive and what's better is that if I had to guess I'd say he's not straight. I am keen to get to know him a bit better and see if my intuition is correct.

I just passed two guys walking down the Bourke Street mall holding hands. What I wouldn't give to do the same.

I think I saw Darren S get off the train tonight at South Yarra. He was looking very casual but the thing that I liked was that he'd let his hair grow out. It wasn't that long I guess but it had got so much curlier. He looked great.

It's that day again. Yep that one.

The one the singles dread and hope for. Dread that no sign of love will be seen, but hope that we might get a surprise.

The day we laugh off as crass and commercial, while nonetheless hoping that those flowers being delivered will have our name on their card.

I think about all the men I've wanted to share my love with, and my heart sings with affection for them.

So many crushes, affections from a far, so few put in to words and even rarer the hope of return.

I just got another email from BP and I'm quite concerned about the hole I'm digging. I am really happy emailing back and forth and discussing comics with him. I can forsee a friendship coming from this but I'm really worried I will ruin it because of how I used to feel about him.

In this latest email he brought up a "gay reading" which gives me an opening to make sure he knows I'm gay. I was out when we worked together but I don't know for sure he knows. I don't recall any conversations with him where it came up (other than that one in my head I never got to act out 3 or 4 years ago).

It could be a deal breaker which will upset me or it might not bother him and a friendship could continue but that makes me worry that my feelings might get confused over that fine line between mateship and dateship.

I will reply over the weekend, not yet. I need to think about it some more.

I finished off all my CSS work today which I was happy about but after that I was a bit lost. I've picked up some new project work from the highest floor which will be kind of interesting.

After work I was going to go to Minotaur but I just missed a tram. While I was deciding if I should wait the 7 minutes for the next one I ran in SBB. This threw me for a loop and I didn't go, walking to the train station again in a state of shock and confusion that lasted all the way home.

I didn't feel like going to Aerobics tonight. All day I felt like giving it a miss. I woke up really tired from a dream fulled sleep and was feeling a little shaky on my feet. The day at the office was a little slow.

I had to go to a meeting about the template stuff that was supposed to happen last week and still hasn't. I should have been chasing people around but it's really not what I'm interested in doing. The afternoon's a bit of a blur, I'm not sure what I accomplished at all.

When there were trains cancelled, on top of a train turned stopping all stations this morning, and I had to stand half the way home I felt like taking it as a sign not to go. But no pain no glory huh, so I went. It was a tough class after two weeks off and the heat of the sun coming through the glass didn't help, but I feel well worked out now which is good.

My unofficial third new years resolution is to get into better shape (which will help bring the guys - and because that comes close to breaking resolution number one this has to be an unofficial one).

The new guy's only been here two days but I'm missing his presence today. It's not a good sign to develop a crush on a guy so quickly, especially when I have no evidence that he's anything but straight. I'm just so eager (desperate) to meet a guy that I'm letting my emotions get away from me. I can't hold out forever, I need some loving.

Drove into Fed Square to catch up with a new guy. I got in early and he was delayed so there was a bit of wasted time there. The lunch wasn't a success so I've got to keep looking.

Caught up with Pete tonight, a long delayed meeting down at Madame Brussels in Bourke Street. Went okay but no sparks flying. I went in telling myself there were no expectations (but I was lying to myself) but it was okay and I suppose that in itself was fine.

After I watched the second 50 to 1 show last night I was ready for bed, but since that wasn't going to happen that early, I tackled a bit more of the Samurai Sudoku puzzle from this week's Age. I got three of the puzzles out and could easily have finished it off last night but saved some for the train today. I then finally picked LoveSmart up again. Looking at the docket I find I bought this a few weeks before I met Mark, and obviously when I did meet Mark I put this down thinking I didn't need it again. I've been meaning to go back to it and now's probably a good time. I'm trying to work out exactly what I want in a man and reading this is going to help me be more constructive. I read quite a bit of it before I went to sleep, lots to ponder about the mistakes I've made.

I have forgotten about Luke. Last night I couldn't see myself approaching someone I liked the look of and starting a conversation. No, not me, never. But I've done it with Luke. A spontaneous impulse, a nice little chat, a girlfriend (naturally), but at least I had go. I did that after a particularly bad day the day before, so does that mean today I might go for it if I see a pretty face? Hmm, I don't know. It was a bit of a fluke last time, but it does prove it's not beyond my ability to do it. I just have to remember that

My 100 days is over and I proved a point to myself. Now I feel like rededicating myself to finding a boyfriend; which I suppose is updating my gaydar profile and jumping in the chatrooms. I'm not all that keen to do so though because for one thing it's not a venue that's given me good results in the past, and for another I've already found someone that I really like (and who'd I would be dating if the travel costs weren't so prohibitive). One of the things that came out of my sessions was that my desire for a boyfriend came in part from a desire to be happy. So, if I have someone that makes me happy then can that be enough? Words and pixels aren't the same as touch and presence though. Can I be truly happy if only my mind is stimulated and not my body?

After several days where our online time didn't match up, I got an hour or so chance to chat to my favourite College student. I've got to get his timetable if this is going to continue to work (which I hope it will)!

I went shopping today, as well as to the movies, and I just kept passing all these really good looking guys. Sure half of them were women, and one or two had children with them as well, but there was much to see. Not that I was going to act on anything, but it would be nice to have one of them look back and smile at me too.

It is morning? I'm still half asleep. Five hours of sleep is a lot less than I usually get. Thing is, I'm happy to go with this little sleep when I'm spending time with such a great guy. While the TV was going in the background I saw some of Spooks, an episode of the Turkish Nanny (the 'you're not gay?' episode), and some of each late night quiz show; Seven's is the worst because of the (lack of) costumes they put the women in.