Paul's journal

I'm back from overseas and feeling rather low. Kind of a post-holiday blues. I've "seen the world at a faster pace" and I'm not feeling very happy back home.

Several times in Big Brother a contestent has cried and said they don't want to go back to their life. That's how I'm feeling at the moment.

I look around and while it's nice to be home, there's a feeling of "is this it?" Nothing has changed. I've been gone three weeks and life seems ready to pick up exactly where I left off. No growth, no change, just the same old shit.

I don't go back to work until Thursday and I think that's going to be the same. I didn't put work out of mind on my holiday, because unfortunetly work is a big part of my life. Other than that I don't have a lot going on.

The holiday was good, but one of the reasons I went was to get away from things. Unfortuntely they are still waiting for me on the return.

I did a couple of holiday related tasks today which was good. I was also pretty busy at work and the list of things I need to do before I leave is growing and growing! The budget came out to day which was the usual chaos. I also had to present to the authors and I was really underprepared but it went ok although I was kicking myself for saying my checklist was a work in progress. I should have just said this is it, and not qualified it.

Jane also commented I was deceptively tall as I helped her take some pinned up posters down. The perceived lack of height comes from my slouching which comes from my lack of confidence and not wanting to be noticed. It's also a perception helped by my quiet manner. I did afterall say way back in 1996 that I wanted to be remembered as taller. My self image is several cms shorter than my actual height.

I've found a place I'd like to buy but I'm so not prepared. I disregarded it because I was sure it would go out of my price range at auction. Now I think I might be able to afford it but think it's too late to get the place and the paperwork inspected in time. Plus becoming a landlord (if only for a little while) and having to worry about receiving bonds and rent payments is more than I want to deal with.

At the same time I suspect I'm self-sabotaging my own efforts and that's what is really making me blue. I only starting looking to buy because I thought it would make a guy like me and take me back. I keep looking with what I suspect is a mistaken belief that it will be the key to making me happy (in that it will help me find a guy and that will make me happy).

I really like the place and I think I will regret letting it go, just like I did with the Glen Iris place but I'm so daunted by the seriousness of it all that I don't know if I can progress.

I finished off all my CSS work today which I was happy about but after that I was a bit lost. I've picked up some new project work from the highest floor which will be kind of interesting.

After work I was going to go to Minotaur but I just missed a tram. While I was deciding if I should wait the 7 minutes for the next one I ran in SBB. This threw me for a loop and I didn't go, walking to the train station again in a state of shock and confusion that lasted all the way home.

Yet another person in my office has got engaged. While I know I should be happy for her her when I'm actually so jealous and made at the fates for keeping me single but allowing so many others to be happy.

I don't want to let all these people I work with see how lonely I am for fear of losing what little respect they might give me, so I have to keep smiling but I can't muster up fake enthusiasm about this. There's plenty of girls here to gush over the ring and the details.

It's hard to keep putting on the smiley face while inside my loneliness is eating away at me.

[Edited after comments suggested my feelings were a little unclear, and after I've have more time to think about this]

Today I attended two meetings where I was in the audience. I hate those but they seem to happen a lot. I guess I don't have a lot to say and I'm happy to sit back and let the others discuss matters... But afterwards I always feel like I'm not making good impressions and not helping my career along. That's because I don't really care about it I guess. I also am much more interested in observing than participating. I am more comfortable in the audience than on stage and yet at the same time I want to star.

I really didn't feel like going to work today. I was having interesting dreams that I wanted to stay in but duty won out. The day just dragged out, even with an afternoon tea break (for Sally's farewell) and I was feeling pretty low about myself, especially after seeing the photos from Wednesday. I looked awful in them and my confidence today is really low. The weekend's here now but what to do? Vote and I don't know what else, it's not like my social calendar is overflowing. I have heaps of things I need to do but I don't really know where to start. It's hard to get motivated when you're feeling low.

Watching ER tonight I had a bit of a lucid moment. I finally got up to the episodes about Gant's final fate and something about it lit some light bulbs. It's been a while since I went to a therapy session and I never got closure or 'over' what I had issues with. I just stopped going. That's not a good thing, and I really should look at going again.

I also realise my current situation is not the right time to be looking for a guy. I really shouldn't, and it's something I've known in the back of my head, and yet I keep putting myself out there out of fear. I spent months 'offline' but found other ways to do the same thing in a different way. And what happened? I met and fell for someone, realised distance meant it couldn't be all I wanted it to be, and now I think it's over; and it's all happened in the fast forward fashion that I always seem to get. It's clear I'm rushing things and need to slow down a bit.

Now I just have to put this mindset into action.

So one useful strategy for combating depression is:
"Avoid being alone for long periods of time. "

Now, if the reason I'm depressed is because I'm alone, how exactly does it help to be told you shouldn't be alone?

At least some of the other suggestions are more useful, although I've heard them all before.

I fled the office for 50 minutes to see if I could calm down a bit and come back a bit more centred. It hasn't worked. I'm still here only in a physical sense. I couldn't go get anything to eat because I'm trying to lose weight so I just wandered around aimlessly. Nobody noticed I was gone, as I expected. I'm kind of glad I wont be in the office the next two days but I doubt I will be able to add much value to the workshop in my current state. All I want to do is scream and cry and punch and rage. The same old arguments/statements/delusions/facts go through my head and I can't shake them. I've been alone for too damn long and that does say something about me and my worth.

Fuck, Excel just crashed and I lost half an hour's work. I just can't fucking win today. Can somebody restart me? I'm over this shit.

I really can't concentrate this morning. My mind is just not here. If I wasn't flying solo today my body wouldn't be here either. I know it's no good to linger on things but I can't help it. Work doesn't distract me enough.

I went to sleep with tears in my eyes for the first time in a while. I feel like I haven't made any progress. I stop doing one thing but then replace it with something else that achieves the same result. I put my toe back in the water and I already feel like I'm drowning again. Am I doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over? Why don't I learn? Why can't something go right for me just once so I could move on and be happy.

I tried to have an early night last night, but spent at least two hours tossing and turning in bed. My stomach was all a mess again which is a good sign that stress is getting to me again. I may need to hit the brakes before I slip too far back into old habits.

Today's movie make a big impact on me. I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm quite emotionally distraught by it all! Heavy stuff. Lots to think about

I've woken up, very late, today after chatting to Guy late into the night. I'm in the mood to uninstall msn messenger from my computer. The conversation went through all the same sort of shit that is the reason I haven't been sigining in. It's almost funny how clearly certain points are met but also frustrating. I repeat the same sort of arguements and then make the same sorts of comes on but all for the same purpose: trying to keep the attention going. Because when the conversation ends I'm all by myself again which I hate.

I hate these long lonely Saturday nights. I wish I had a boyfriend to be spending them with. I hate this shit so much, I am getting so fucking desperate.

Woke up this morning wanting to do something, but what? I wanted to spend time with someone, to have a guy to be with. It's not much to want but impossible for me to get. I looked through some old correspondence. It's almost three years since I met David even though it feels longer. It's getting close to a year since I met Mark. Where does time go and how can I get some back? I ended up home all day, watching DVDs, turning some tapes digital, and wishing I had something out there to go to. I thought hard about going out on the scene tonight, but ultimately couldn't make myself. Too many fears of running into people I couldn't deal with seeing. Too many excuses that only I'd believe. I tell myself I'll wait until my three months are up then go yet I think once September comes I'll just find more excuses.

The song Unsent was going through my head today, and I considered typing up some unsent letters to the guys that I miss. This was spurred by me finding an old entry I'd written about David about nine months ago. Time goes so quickly and things don't get better, they just stay the same. I tried to ammuse myself at work today with CSS because I couldn't face interacting with anyone.

Today's one of the few Fridays where I didn't bring lunch from home. I hate going to buy lunch on Fridays because all I see are people having lunch with friends or partners. It happens everyday, but it just looks like there is more of it on Fridays. It's another reminder of how alone I am and I hate it.